bababa

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Need to update! Maybe tomorrow!

throwing myself a pity party

I don't know why i have to have so many major life happenings all in a row. Eleven weeks ago almost to the hour i gave birth to one of two of the best things that have ever happened to me. My family has been awesome and supportive but i am alone. (not part of a mom/dad team) and i'm okay with that but its hard.

at seven weeks pp i had an IUD placed. iT was excruciating! I've never experienced anything quite like it! It was worse than childbirth. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand or sit or lay or walk. I just kept pushing through because life was too busy.

grandma took a turn for the worse in her mortal body. She fought hard and long with her CF and on June 11 she finally won her battle and was released from this world and was carried away in the clouds to be home in heaven with Jesus. During her last week or so of life i was very sick. bleeding very very heavy but didn't have time to address it.

after she passed and i stopped bleeding i went to the doctor who couldn't find the strings of my IUD. So he scheduled an ultrasound. They couldn't find the IUD's placement. during this time i'm still cramping and bleeding and having trouble functioning. and to add to the mix i'm also having STOMACH (not uterine) cramps. Bloating and discomfort also.

They scheduled me for a KUB (kidney Uterus bladder) test. its an xray that shows those three things more prevolent. They saw the IUD in this test but still couldn't be sure of its placement.

so i went this morning for a pelvis CT. That finally did the trick. I am STILL cramping and bleeding. (11 weeks worth minus a few good days) but pretty much non stop since the IUD placement.

My doctors office called this afternoon and said Doc got the results of your test back and wants you to come into the office.... That can't be good is all i could think!

So i get in there and after a few seconds of beating around the bush he finally was able to tell me that the IUD has left the building. Yes thats right... its no longer in my uterus.... Its floating out and about somewhere in the great beyond of my abdominal cavity! So they have to operate to remove it. At the same time they are going to tie my tubes apparently and are talking about doing endometrial ablation. which means i'll never again be with child. Even more permanent than just the Tubal

I've never had a "true surgery" and now they are talking about knocking me out taking womanhood from me and going fishing for that silly little IUD....

thats a lot to take in in just a days time.... I was totally okay with doing a tubal because there is a chance of reversal. Not so much when it comes to burning the inside of your uterine cavity and making it uninhabitable!!! I guess its just the finality of it all and the wondering of what else i can take onto my plate within the next little bit...

I've given birth
I've become single mom of two
I've been bleeding nonstop
I've lost my grandma
I've had to help kayd through that grief
I've had an IUD placed
It ripped a hole in my uterus and is probably somewhere between my bladder and uterus
I now have to have surgery

I am still confident that everything is well and i'll be okay. I'm just worried about my upcoming adventure!!!


Did i mention that the idea of surgery scares the EVER LOVIN SHIT OUT OF ME?!?!?!

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Losing my identity

My grandma is very very ill. She's in a semi coma state. She's ready to go to glory. She saw angels on monday. It was amazing to see.

I have been a terrible grand daughter today. I can't even sit next to her. It breaks my heart. I said goodbye last night and she told me I love you FOUR times. Three times in a row and then i kissed her and walked away. She called for me, and mom and ann both at the same time said she's calling for you. I turned back around and said Yes grandma. And she said Jamie I love you.

I said my good bye yesterday and today i feel lost. Today I can't help her. Today i can't sit next to her. Today I can't take care of her as i have been for the last year of my life.

My identity has in the last year been Mother and care taker. And my identity is leaving this earth. Even now as i look at her i know she's leaving.

I'm broken. I can't stand this anymore. I cannot watch her suffer. I don't know why she's still holding on. I don't know why she's not gone. I want for her the life she's going to have. I want her to go to her glory. I want to see peace enter her face. She's not eating or drinking. She's moaning she's not herself. I pray for a swift and painless passing to glory. I can't and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I know i am not. I know i'm just at the end of my rope. I don't want to leave. But i don't want to be here.

My son doesn't understand. I just want him to lay in my arms so we can comfort each other! He's going to miss his nana. He's not here today he's with my dads parents. I know that Grandma won't miss us because of where she's going and the hopoe and peace that brings, but She remembers Kayden... Her namesake. She doesn't remember Elijah and i am so excited for her to get to heaven and remember his name. I hope she's proud.

To her all i can say is WELL DONE GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!!!!!


I love my grandma and i hate that I won't know who i am any longer without her

I haven't updated in FOREVER

WOw!!!! Two babies is so much DIFFERENT than 1!!! Its nothing harder i just have to budget my time a bit differently. When kayden was an infant i didn't have a five year old to wake him every time he fell asleep. I didn't have a dying grandmother that required round the clock care. And i was a heck of a lot YOUNGER!!! I know people will roll their eyes at me but I feel old at 25.

It breaks my heart that i can't get down on the floor and play with the boys. I can't even pick him up off the floor it kills me! My backs been pretty bad! I get to have injections in a week and for that i'm grateful and very excited!

Elijah is SOOOO BIG. He's SOOO sweet! and he's all mine!!!

He's a mommas boy. now that he can grasp he holds onto my shirt or collarbone (yes ouch) or my hair and he won't let go of me! He fusses when i try to pass him off... and he looks at me like i'm his hero! I LOVE IT! By this time kayden had fallen head over heels for papa.

Kayden is excelling! We were having some very very huge behavior issues.. Kayd couldn't concentrate. Was frustrated and wasn't processing. He would get angry because he couldn't control the issue and it always seemed to snowball. Kayd's doc and i sat down together and decided we needed to do something to treat it. I'm not a fan of drugs to fix problems but i really truly think he needs it. I know that there are lots of parents that just don't want to deal with their five year old being five so they medicate. this goes so much further!

Kayd has been on the drug for a week now and the difference is NIGHT AND DAY!!! its unreal!!!! He is so well mannored. He doesn't push the rules. He isn't mean. He is making such awesome choices! i can't even believe he's the same kid! He can concentrate more... has already been counting higher. getting his letters and numbers right by recognition! I'm pleased! I've got my baby back! he had so much potential that just was being suppressed!

and in other news.

I went to visit Kens family and long story short he finally by accident met his child for thefirst time yesterday. He didn't try... he didn't make an effort he just tripped into it. and i'm angry because it was that easy
and i'm angry becuase he's now in love with "HIS" kid... the one he's been screaming for a test for. He said he wants to see him and he wants to pay support... and we all know i won't see a penny! Its just dumb!!!

I haven't processed it yet so i am just throwing it out in the raw

Kayden's favorite song!

used to sing this to him daily!!!!

silly boy

found this on my phone and had to share! kids are so wonderful!

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Pictures

After a terrible day, (i'll post about that later!!!) i got some great news. I was getting into my car after a bummer of a time at the hospital with my sick little boy, and i got a text from my photographer. He had just posted pictures of my boys online!

They are absolutely amazing! I'm so happy with them! He got some really great shots! Cant wait to get them printed!

Thanks J!

And he sleeps

He was named well... Although he was given a good strong bible name.... He seems to be dreaming of football here! Eli gets the TOUCHDOWN :D

eli three weeks

he's growing so fast i can't hardly stand it!

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1st lost tooth!

tooth fairy came yesterday! he's excited he got a dollar!

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these next two pictures are a quick before and after....

One day before i had Eli and then about a week after

a quick before and after

someone found his thumb!

momma's not so excited but it was a picture perfect moment

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his new outfit

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a moms best gift

Life doesn't get any better than when you get flowers from the most handsome man you know! ( well one of the two most handsome men i know! ) even though i'm very allergic to them!

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good morning!

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big hats to fill

this is a picture the day after he was born. they put his footprints on a hat it fits me just fine. the child has some growing to do!

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quick nap!

quick nap to celebrate his 11th day of life! its such hard work being a week and a half old. i cannot hardly stand it with him. he's so perfect! I'm in love! his brother still really isn't so sure about him. but he's not trying to sell him so i guess thats an improvement!!! we're settling in a bit more each day!

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Eleven days in

Elijah is 11 days old! I can't believe how quickly these 11 days have gone! Its so much easier when you're not waiting for something!

My hospital stay was absolutely unreal. If I ever get in trouble with the law they should just put me back into the hospital because it felt more like jail. However I'm pretty sure inmates get better care than at times i received!

My first nurse was absolutely wonderful!

I had a feeling that friday would be the day i would deliver. Or soon after! I was sick thursday night. Violently throwing up. Could not do a thing to settle it down. Not even the meds helped. I finally fell asleep at four or five in the morning. Got up at 8:30 and went to my doctors appointment. He said i was at about three. We left the doctors office and ran to Meijer to grab the stuff for Kaydens Easter basket. And the whole time i was there i was having one contraction after the other after the other. They were coming about every 3 to 4 minutes. We got in the car and came back home and by the time we got to my grandma's house they'd almost completely stopped. so i stood while i was at grandma's and walked and finally called my doctor and told him i was having contractions. I don't think he believed me since he had just checked me. But had me come back in to get checked again.

We stopped off to do a bit more walking just to get the contractions back to the point where they were prior. I figured that they wouldn't do a whole lot and we'd head back out for more walking.

He asked me what the contractions were doing. He thought i was just having braxton hicks.... I told him they got worse when i walked. He said well thats not BH contractions. In my brain all i could say was "DUH!!!"

He checked me and i was at 4. He asked if we were still doing the epidural and i said of course. (had to with my back. He didn't want me laboring without the epidural this time!) So he told me to go over to the hospital get checked in have the epidural man come bless me with his gifts and that he'd call a perscription of antibiotics in.

We got to the hospital and they didn't really understand what was going on. They thought doc just had me come over to get checked. They didn't realize that i was there to stay. My nurse veronica kept telling me... "I'm going to check you and we'll decide from there." They didn't seem to understand that I wasn't coming in to get checked, I came to have a baby!

When she checked me she said, "Your doc said you're at 4?" I said yea was he wrong. She said well you might have been at four but you're at six now. Lets get you a room. (FINALLY!!!!)

I'd been telling people for quite some time that at 37 weeks i was just going to start pushing. Everyone told me thats not how it works or good luck with that. I had him at 37 weeks!

My labor was wonderful once they gave me the epidural and broke my water. The contractions settled down after the epidural because i couldn't be up walking around. They had to give me a bit of pitocin to get the ball rolling.

At 7PM my nurse told me she had to go and that i'd have a new nurse come in to finish. I was bummed but was just ready to have this baby so i didn't care. My new nurse came in and she was absolutely awful. She yelled at my friends and tried to make them all leave and I told her noone was leaving. The baby was ready to deliver and my doc still wasn't there. My friend Alecia left the room. I wasn't sure where she was going since i was just a few minutes away from delivering and i wanted her there for it! She came back in and Vern my nurse was hot on her heels. She shoo'ed the bad nurse away from my bed and she told me, "We've come this far together do you mind if we finish it out?" I told her i would love it if she could stay. I had tears in my eyes. The new nurse that came in was so horible she had me in tears within about 35 seconds of entering the room.

I leaned over to vern and told her you keep that nurse away from me. she told me oh honey she's not going to hurt you.... i said its not me i'm worried about. All she could do was laugh.

He finally came... After the long wait and rough pregnancy he was finally here. He came at 7:47 PM on good friday. The head was delivered and doc kept saying don't push don't push i have to get this cord off his neck just breathe don't push.... Cord... off the neck... I looked down into his glasses and saw how much he was struggling to unwrap the cord from around babies neck. My friends and family in the room said that it didn't just slip right off when we were talking about the birth. He got the cord off and he delivered the rest of the baby and put him up on my stomach. My son was here... And he was BLUE. I remember how Kayd looked when i delivered and it wasn't like that! I was a bit worried. He wouldn't cry. He wasn't breathing right. THey were waiting for the cord to stop pulsing so they could cut it and take him to work on him.

He had amniotic fluid in his stomach and lungs. Usually when a baby is born the trip through the birth canal pushes all of that out of their lungs and stomach however the cord was wrapped pretty tight and i guess the junk couldn't get out of fhis lungs.

It was 8:17 and i finally decided a half hour of not knowing what was going on with my son was enough. I asked the bad nurse if i could see my son. She was standing in between us. She told me no its not time yet. I told her as politely as i could find the words to ask with (meaning i was a total rude jerk) to move so i could see my son. A few more minutes and they brought him up to see me.

His resps were at 77 and thats way too high. He couldn't cry he just gurgled.

He had a very rocky start into this world but finally he recovered and they put him up with me so we could bond. My little unnamed prince was finally okay.

Easter morning he finally had a name. I told kayd what i was going to name him and kayd said but what about my sam i am momma. SO instead of the name i was going to give him (keegan elijah) he became Elijah Samuel. He was here and finally named.

He had that rocky start into the world but he's so perfect now!!!!

love him!

he's so wide eyed.

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Eli's favorite song

My baby is so wonderful!

Eli and i are absolutely falling in love with each other! He looks so different today than he did two days ago! I'm going to be taking more pictures today and tomorrow is his first professional pictures!

We didn't get any taken in the hospital so i figure six days out is just as good!!!

In a few more weeks we'll get some of the two boys and then a few after that mommy will jump in on the action!!! :D

a few more pictures!

Elijah Samuel Is here!!!

And boy do i love him! I'm very very tired today so i'm not going to post birth stories or tons of photo's but here's a teaser!!!!