throwing myself a pity party

I don't know why i have to have so many major life happenings all in a row. Eleven weeks ago almost to the hour i gave birth to one of two of the best things that have ever happened to me. My family has been awesome and supportive but i am alone. (not part of a mom/dad team) and i'm okay with that but its hard.

at seven weeks pp i had an IUD placed. iT was excruciating! I've never experienced anything quite like it! It was worse than childbirth. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand or sit or lay or walk. I just kept pushing through because life was too busy.

grandma took a turn for the worse in her mortal body. She fought hard and long with her CF and on June 11 she finally won her battle and was released from this world and was carried away in the clouds to be home in heaven with Jesus. During her last week or so of life i was very sick. bleeding very very heavy but didn't have time to address it.

after she passed and i stopped bleeding i went to the doctor who couldn't find the strings of my IUD. So he scheduled an ultrasound. They couldn't find the IUD's placement. during this time i'm still cramping and bleeding and having trouble functioning. and to add to the mix i'm also having STOMACH (not uterine) cramps. Bloating and discomfort also.

They scheduled me for a KUB (kidney Uterus bladder) test. its an xray that shows those three things more prevolent. They saw the IUD in this test but still couldn't be sure of its placement.

so i went this morning for a pelvis CT. That finally did the trick. I am STILL cramping and bleeding. (11 weeks worth minus a few good days) but pretty much non stop since the IUD placement.

My doctors office called this afternoon and said Doc got the results of your test back and wants you to come into the office.... That can't be good is all i could think!

So i get in there and after a few seconds of beating around the bush he finally was able to tell me that the IUD has left the building. Yes thats right... its no longer in my uterus.... Its floating out and about somewhere in the great beyond of my abdominal cavity! So they have to operate to remove it. At the same time they are going to tie my tubes apparently and are talking about doing endometrial ablation. which means i'll never again be with child. Even more permanent than just the Tubal

I've never had a "true surgery" and now they are talking about knocking me out taking womanhood from me and going fishing for that silly little IUD....

thats a lot to take in in just a days time.... I was totally okay with doing a tubal because there is a chance of reversal. Not so much when it comes to burning the inside of your uterine cavity and making it uninhabitable!!! I guess its just the finality of it all and the wondering of what else i can take onto my plate within the next little bit...

I've given birth
I've become single mom of two
I've been bleeding nonstop
I've lost my grandma
I've had to help kayd through that grief
I've had an IUD placed
It ripped a hole in my uterus and is probably somewhere between my bladder and uterus
I now have to have surgery

I am still confident that everything is well and i'll be okay. I'm just worried about my upcoming adventure!!!


Did i mention that the idea of surgery scares the EVER LOVIN SHIT OUT OF ME?!?!?!

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Losing my identity

My grandma is very very ill. She's in a semi coma state. She's ready to go to glory. She saw angels on monday. It was amazing to see.

I have been a terrible grand daughter today. I can't even sit next to her. It breaks my heart. I said goodbye last night and she told me I love you FOUR times. Three times in a row and then i kissed her and walked away. She called for me, and mom and ann both at the same time said she's calling for you. I turned back around and said Yes grandma. And she said Jamie I love you.

I said my good bye yesterday and today i feel lost. Today I can't help her. Today i can't sit next to her. Today I can't take care of her as i have been for the last year of my life.

My identity has in the last year been Mother and care taker. And my identity is leaving this earth. Even now as i look at her i know she's leaving.

I'm broken. I can't stand this anymore. I cannot watch her suffer. I don't know why she's still holding on. I don't know why she's not gone. I want for her the life she's going to have. I want her to go to her glory. I want to see peace enter her face. She's not eating or drinking. She's moaning she's not herself. I pray for a swift and painless passing to glory. I can't and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I know i am not. I know i'm just at the end of my rope. I don't want to leave. But i don't want to be here.

My son doesn't understand. I just want him to lay in my arms so we can comfort each other! He's going to miss his nana. He's not here today he's with my dads parents. I know that Grandma won't miss us because of where she's going and the hopoe and peace that brings, but She remembers Kayden... Her namesake. She doesn't remember Elijah and i am so excited for her to get to heaven and remember his name. I hope she's proud.

To her all i can say is WELL DONE GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!!!!!


I love my grandma and i hate that I won't know who i am any longer without her

I haven't updated in FOREVER

WOw!!!! Two babies is so much DIFFERENT than 1!!! Its nothing harder i just have to budget my time a bit differently. When kayden was an infant i didn't have a five year old to wake him every time he fell asleep. I didn't have a dying grandmother that required round the clock care. And i was a heck of a lot YOUNGER!!! I know people will roll their eyes at me but I feel old at 25.

It breaks my heart that i can't get down on the floor and play with the boys. I can't even pick him up off the floor it kills me! My backs been pretty bad! I get to have injections in a week and for that i'm grateful and very excited!

Elijah is SOOOO BIG. He's SOOO sweet! and he's all mine!!!

He's a mommas boy. now that he can grasp he holds onto my shirt or collarbone (yes ouch) or my hair and he won't let go of me! He fusses when i try to pass him off... and he looks at me like i'm his hero! I LOVE IT! By this time kayden had fallen head over heels for papa.

Kayden is excelling! We were having some very very huge behavior issues.. Kayd couldn't concentrate. Was frustrated and wasn't processing. He would get angry because he couldn't control the issue and it always seemed to snowball. Kayd's doc and i sat down together and decided we needed to do something to treat it. I'm not a fan of drugs to fix problems but i really truly think he needs it. I know that there are lots of parents that just don't want to deal with their five year old being five so they medicate. this goes so much further!

Kayd has been on the drug for a week now and the difference is NIGHT AND DAY!!! its unreal!!!! He is so well mannored. He doesn't push the rules. He isn't mean. He is making such awesome choices! i can't even believe he's the same kid! He can concentrate more... has already been counting higher. getting his letters and numbers right by recognition! I'm pleased! I've got my baby back! he had so much potential that just was being suppressed!

and in other news.

I went to visit Kens family and long story short he finally by accident met his child for thefirst time yesterday. He didn't try... he didn't make an effort he just tripped into it. and i'm angry because it was that easy
and i'm angry becuase he's now in love with "HIS" kid... the one he's been screaming for a test for. He said he wants to see him and he wants to pay support... and we all know i won't see a penny! Its just dumb!!!

I haven't processed it yet so i am just throwing it out in the raw