Losing my identity

My grandma is very very ill. She's in a semi coma state. She's ready to go to glory. She saw angels on monday. It was amazing to see.

I have been a terrible grand daughter today. I can't even sit next to her. It breaks my heart. I said goodbye last night and she told me I love you FOUR times. Three times in a row and then i kissed her and walked away. She called for me, and mom and ann both at the same time said she's calling for you. I turned back around and said Yes grandma. And she said Jamie I love you.

I said my good bye yesterday and today i feel lost. Today I can't help her. Today i can't sit next to her. Today I can't take care of her as i have been for the last year of my life.

My identity has in the last year been Mother and care taker. And my identity is leaving this earth. Even now as i look at her i know she's leaving.

I'm broken. I can't stand this anymore. I cannot watch her suffer. I don't know why she's still holding on. I don't know why she's not gone. I want for her the life she's going to have. I want her to go to her glory. I want to see peace enter her face. She's not eating or drinking. She's moaning she's not herself. I pray for a swift and painless passing to glory. I can't and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I know i am not. I know i'm just at the end of my rope. I don't want to leave. But i don't want to be here.

My son doesn't understand. I just want him to lay in my arms so we can comfort each other! He's going to miss his nana. He's not here today he's with my dads parents. I know that Grandma won't miss us because of where she's going and the hopoe and peace that brings, but She remembers Kayden... Her namesake. She doesn't remember Elijah and i am so excited for her to get to heaven and remember his name. I hope she's proud.

To her all i can say is WELL DONE GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!!!!!


I love my grandma and i hate that I won't know who i am any longer without her